Thoughts on Having (a) Child(ren).

At times I don't know if I want children. The implication of me saying this is that I'm perceived as selfish and that's fine because I know I'm not. I oscillate between wanting one child to raise and not having any at all. Most parents tend to "forget" how difficult raising a child is and are quick to say "I love being a parent," but I'm not sure how much I would love having my sleep disrupted, I'm already cranky when the alarm goes off and I'm not ready for it to be buzzing in my ear. So let me do a costs vs. benefits analysis of having children. Granted, I only want one...

Costs

• The literal costs "It will cost an estimated $241,080 for a middle-income couple to raise a child born last year for 18 years, according to a U.S. Department of Agriculture report released Wednesday. That's up almost 3% from 2011 and doesn't even include the cost of college." Do you know how much student loan debt I have? This child would be an added debt.
• Anxiety. I would be a terribly anxious parent, much like how my father was with raising me. I would have to place my child in a daycare that has cameras, so when I'm at work I can log-in and see what's going on at any time. Not to mention the daycare would need to be by my job, just in case something went awry. I would say I would like to be a stay-at-home parent for the first few years, but that's not realistic for me. I get sad when I'm alone and needed to get energy from other people, so I would have to work at least part-time.
• Stress. Need I say more? Being a therapist, I hear all kinds of stuff about how parents went wrong all the time yes I know "I will be different," but different people have varying levels of resilience. What if I am a "good parent" but my kid isn't resilient and they become something "because of me"? That's sKressful, bruh.
• Vacations. Any time I or my husband want to take a vacation we either have to take the child or find someone willing to watch the child. My mom lives in Florida and my dad and stepmom are 3 hours away.
• Food. Any time I want to go out for dinner, guess who has to come?
• Sex. Last thing I want is to creep out a kid because of his/her parents having sex. TERRIBLE. Ish happens.
• Anxiety. OH! I mentioned that already...I had to mention it again because that's how bad it would be.
• Focus on marriage. I would like to enjoy my marriage and be simply focused on that one other human being. I don't want my child to have memories of his/her mother and father arguing (because again, ish happens), those are always some of the worse memories for children.

Benefits

• I believe I would be a pretty good mother or so I've been told.
• I don't know if I'd be comfortable going through life and never having that experience.
• Love. The type of love that would be exchanged is incomparable.
• I can't deny my husband that experience because THAT is selfish.

My coworker and I were talking about having children, whether we wanted to or not. He's a pretty practical guy, still in his 20s and married already, so we have good convo and vibe well. He said "the only thing that concerns me is when I'm 65". Who's going to be there for you, by that age all your family is basically deceased and you start to attend your friends' funerals. My thought is, who's going to take care of me and the husband? I'd hate to become so Americanized that I live in a world only focused on myself and my needs, so much so, that it causes me to completely eliminate an option of something that would bring me joy. By that same token, in the words of my coworker, "not everyone is called to be parents". This really hit home as I type this because I not only have to think about our wants and needs as husband and wife, but what does God want for me?